Ask your Anti

Let me help you. A problem shared is a problem halved! e-mail your problems away ;askyouranti@yahoo.co.uk

Name:

Taste the wine stranger and don't ask questions.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Lonesome Trail.

Dear Anti,

although my boyfriend and I have a full and satisfying sex life,
sometimes he leaves a silvery trail when he leaves our bed.Do
you think he may have an infection? Also I think he kicks my
cats when I'm not looking,should I drop him ?

Yours,

Francis Mary Gata.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Did me ever tell you......?

Dear Anti,

me am at me widths end,me monsteehead am over 6 inches wide.
Me got no problem with this,me like talking about it.

Yours,

Big M.


Dear Big M,

our panel of experts are evenly divided between considering
you to be a braggart and a liar,and those who consider that
your equipment may not be all that fantastic for your species.
There is also the lingering feeling that,because of your boast-
ing,you may be a reincarnation of someone with whom this
writer had a"moment" some months ago.All in all I think you
should furnish us with photographs of the member in question,
together with full-frontal photographs of yourself so we can
judge the ratio for ourselves.

Yours,

Anti.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Big feet........

O.k. so that letter freaked you out,did you think it was
going to be easy.Anyway we'll stick it in the abeyance
file and soldier on.
I picked a new letter from my already bulging e-mail bag and
we'll come back to the voices in yer man's head later.


Dear Anti,

I've always heard it said that the size of a man's penis is directly
related to the size of his feet.My problem is that I don't measure
up in this respect,do you think I should have a foot reduction
operation ?

Yours,

Yeti.


Dear Yeti,

What exactly is the problem,as all men know,size isn't import-
ant.Should a woman judge you by the size of your feet,thats
her problem because by the time she finds out that you don't
measure up to her expectations it'll be too late.
If she kicks up a fuss and throws you out,well you always have
your best friend waiting,right at the end of your arm.The only
people who want a big langer are porn stars and the ones
taking it.I myself have little to boast about,no more than 8
inches,but it has given me great pleasure over the years.
I will send you my leaflet entitled,Fuck you,it's good enough for me.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Letter of the Week.

This is where you all get a chance to help a fellow man with your
advice and opinion.


Dear Anti,

I don't know what your policy is regarding group problems but
I really hope you can help us as we are at our wit's end.Without
giving away too much all I can say is we are a very disperate
bunch who have to live in close confines and sometimes all hell
breaks loose as we fight among ourselves to be heard.When this
happens he goes away for a while and when he comes back all
is right with the world for a while.Whenever this happens some
of us disappear for ever although there is never a shortage of
new people wishing to join us.Over the years there is a core
group of us that have survived all attempts to expel us,a girl
whose heart he broke,two friends of his that he killed in a
shooting accident and myself,his father.May I say right here that
he was never any good and has always been a disappointment to
me. We would like to know what we are doing here and have we
any future together.

Yours in whispers,

Voice *1

Dr. Maroon kindly lent this piece of advice;


Dear voice number one,get the fuck out now. Don't pack, don't wait, take as much money as is lying around, also any watches, jewelry, light valuable objects, credit cards you name it and run as fast as your little legs will take you. Is there a car? Take it! Do not drive NORTH (common mistake) drive east or west, into an area you have never EVER been before. Bon chance!

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Dear Anti,

thank you once again for the private consultation,it was most helpful
and informative but once again I am at my wit's end because of that
fucking tale I am supposed to be writing and it didn't help when one
of my main characters upped and died on me,the cunt.To make
matters worse I've promised certain people that I'd write a book
and having spent the publisher's advance find myself with writer's
constipation of the worse kind.Not only that but now I find myself
Persona non Gratis at all the libraries in Scotland for defacing a few
large print books.Please help me.

Yours in desperation,

Mr. Darkred.

Ps. the erectile dysfunction has sorted itself out since you recomm-
ended doubling the dose,my P.A. sends her gratitude.




Dear Mr. Darkred,

I was gratified to hear how well the therapy was working out,
but be sure to keep doing the excercises or you will quickly
return to a near vegetative condition.Re. your present problems,
it seems to me that you set your goals too high and place far too
much pressure on yourself.We are not women and never will be
so multi-tasking is beyond even the best of us.Perhaps if you
were to write a book based loosely around your tale and,
although you won't like me suggesting this,perhaps you could
borrow just a little from the works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.
I can't really help you with your difficulties with the Municipal
Libraries but I'm sending you one of my leaflets entitled,
Disguises for losers,I hope it helps.


Yours etc.,

Anti.

Dear Anti,

I don't know how to say this but recently I did something that I
bitterly regret.While receiving medication and therapy for an
ailment (Tourettes) the balance of my mind was disturbed and
I did a Reggie Perrin on my friends and loved ones.The results
of my selfish actions only became apparent as I witnessed the
outpouring of grief that resulted from my "Death" and the effect
it had on my friends.I am at my wits end trying to find a way back
to the bosoms of my loved ones once more.Please help me Anti,

Yours in gratitude,

Anonymous.


Dear Anonymous,

I do not normally accept posts from anonymous people but
you seem so desperate and contrite that I will make an except-
ion just this once.If,as you say,your friends were genuinly sad
to see you depart and miss you and if you miss them so much
then why not return as someone similar to the person you once
were like Mr. Perrin who came back as an old friend of Reggie's
and moved in to the family home as a lodger.He even took over
Reggie's old job at the ice-cream factory,being uniquely qual-
ified to do so.
Should you decide to do so I'm sure your friends will be delight-
ed to accept to back to the fold.They may even kill the fatted-
calf ,they may even utter less barbed and sarcastic comments
than you deserve,you cunt.

Yours,

Anti.

Never mind if the glass is half-full or half-empty,
Drink the fuckin' stuff.